


You cause my heart to bleed

by calumbear



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Overdose, Suicide Attempt, self injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-04
Updated: 2013-06-04
Packaged: 2017-12-13 23:37:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calumbear/pseuds/calumbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke is in love with Ashton and he hates himself for it. Content may be triggering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You cause my heart to bleed

Luke and Ashton were good friends, they talked about anything, they got drunk together and they loved to write music together. Luke doesn’t know when it got this fucked up, though. Him and Ashton stop talking for months at a time, only to meet up and fuck it up over again. He knows it was his fault because he pushes Ashton away, when Ash opens up to him and offers him the world.

“Do you want a drink?” Ashton slurs in his ear, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, I need to get wasted.” He replies, Ashton isn’t surprised. This is what they do now, get drunk enough to talk about their feelings. Get drunk enough to act upon their feelings.

“I’ll get us shots.” Ashton walks off towards the bar. Luke watches him go.

There was a time when they didn’t need to get drunk to talk to each other, when they could nuzzle into each other and giggle without alcohol. It’s not like that anymore. Luke knows it’s his fault and he really hates himself for it.  
——-  
Several shots and a pitcher later and Ashton is rubbing Luke’s thigh under the table, looking at him with those huge puppy eyes and, god, Luke is so in love with him.

He hates Ashton because he is so fucking in love with him. Luke’s made it so damn difficult for himself though. He’d rather date tons of girls (and occasionally fuck his friend) than admit that he fucking loves him, he’s in love with Ashton. Ashton has laid his heart on the line for Luke, told him out right and keeps telling him that Luke is it for him, that he wants them to be together. Luke can’t do that though, he hates himself for being this way. He hates himself.

Sometimes, he just can’t resist Ashton. So he’ll put his hand on top of Ashton’s and move it up towards his crotch. Ashton just bites his lip and palms Luke through his jeans. Luke hates himself for liking it.  
———  
Later that night, when Luke is so drunk that his only coherent thoughts are Ashton. He’ll kiss him gently and rut against him, sighing and moaning. He really fucking loves Ashton. Ashton presses kisses to Luke’s cut wrists and mutters “I love you, Lukey, I love you. Why’d you do this to yourself? I love you.” in his ear. If Luke wasn’t too drunk to think properly, he’d hate Ashton for being able to accept himself as gay when Luke hates his entire existence. Luke isn’t gay; Ashton is the only boy he’s ever felt like this about.

Luke loves rubbing up against Ashton though; he loves the way Ashton’s hard dick feels through his boxers, loves the way it rubs up against his own. It makes him leak pre come into his boxers and he knows that drives Ashton crazy, that slick between them. It’s better than when a girl has her tiny hand wrapped around him, so much better. “Luke, Luke, c’mon don’t wanna come in my pants like a 12 year old boy. Fuck me.” Ashton whispers to him when it gets too much. Luke can’t say no to that.

After, Luke won’t be able to talk to Ashton. He’ll only talk to Ashton when he misses him so much he can’t bear it anymore.

———  
Luke’s crying, he’s been sat in the bathroom, back against the bath for an hour and a half. His wrists are bleeding, not excessively, but enough to seep blood into his hoodie. It’s a sudden decision to end it all, a sudden way out of all the pain he’s feeling.

It’s been 3 days since Luke had sex with Ashton and now they aren’t speaking. Again. It’s Luke’s fault, he left without even a goodbye, left Ashton sleeping in bed.

Luke hates himself so much, he just wants to die. His sick of playing this game with Ashton, he’s sick of pushing Ashton away when he needs him the most. He just can’t stop it; he’s stuck between wanting Ashton to be his whole life and not wanting a life anymore. He doesn’t know what else to do other than to call Ash. He wants to die. He really just wants to die, but he needs Ashton to know how he’s really feeling first.

“Hey,” Ashton answers his phone.

“Ash,” Luke sobs.

“What’s up?” Ashton’s voice is soft, like he’s been expecting this phone call for a while.

“Ash I just, I’m just, I can’t..” He can’t get his words out anymore. He has so much he needs to tell Ashton, he needs to say that he’s sorry.

“Luke, breathe.” Ashton sighs. “I’ll come over; do you want me to come over baby?” Ashton just called him baby, after everything Luke has put him through. He’s still willing to drop everything and come over just because Luke needs him.

“I’m gonna kill myself, Ash.” He whispers. Hoping Ashton heard him.

“Luke! What? What are you doing? I’m coming over right now, okay? Luke, baby, don’t.” Ashton’s panicking; Luke can hear it in his voice. He’s panicking because he knows Luke hates himself enough to go through with it and end his life.

“Don’t Ash, I don’t deserve you. I just, I just wanted to tell you that I’m so fucking in love with you and I’m so fucking sorry it has taken me this long to tell you. I just, I can’t deal with this anymore. I hate it. I hate it when we don’t speak, I know it’s my fault and I hate myself for it. I’m so sorry.” Luke sobs into his phone. He just wants his life to be over. He can’t do it anymore. He hates himself for being so pathetically in love with a boy.

“Luke, I promise. I’m coming okay? I’m 10 minutes away. Don’t do anything stupid, baby.” Ashton sounds worried, Luke thinks he should be grateful because if Luke is dead Ashton won’t get fucked around anymore.

“I’m sorry.” Luke whispers, “I love you.” That’s his goodbye.

He hangs up. He doesn’t want Ashton to save him; he just wants Ashton to know that he does love him.

He sits on the bathroom floor, back against the bath, phone flashing Ashton’s name. He won’t answer it. Luke doesn’t know how many pills it will take to kill him, but he’s going to take as many as he possibly can.

He takes one, then two, then three and, god, his throat is so dry. It’s so hard to swallow them down between sobs. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. He loses count after eight. It’s all getting a bit blurry and he can feel the painkillers working because he can’t feel the pain in his wrist. His body isn’t working properly anymore and he can’t control it when he falls onto his side.

That’s when he hears Ashton, he’s running up the stairs and he’s shouting something. Shouting Luke’s name over and over. When Ashton opens the door all Luke can see is his feet, he’s wearing Luke’s vans that he left at Ashton’s months ago. 

“You fucking dickhead, you’re so fucking stupid.” Ashton props Luke up against the bath again and takes his face into his hands. “How many did you take? How many?!”

Luke wants to answer him, but Luke doesn’t know the answer and his eyes are trying to roll into the back of his head. He can barely see Ashton anymore.

“Fuck you, Luke.” Ashton is so mad at him. He doesn’t want Ashton to be mad at him.

Ashton shoves two fingers into his mouth and Luke does not like that, he gags and splutters around them.  
“Throw them up, baby.” Ashton’s sobbing. “C’mon, fucking hell Luke just throw them up.”

Luke will do anything that Ashton wants him to in that moment, anything to stop Ashton being so mad at him. He throws up all down his front, over and over until it hurts his throat and his eyes are burning red. Ashton rubs his back and whispers how much he fucking hates Luke for doing this into his ear.

“I love you.” Luke whispers, his voice isn’t working properly now.  
———-

When he wakes up, he’s in the hospital. His mum is sat in the chair next to the bed and she’s crying softly. Ashton isn’t there.

“Luke.” His mum says, she’s holding his hand. Her thumb is stroking the back of his hand. “Why did you do it, sweetie?”

He can’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to tell her. So he doesn’t tell her anything.

“Do you even know what kind of heartache you put me through? When I got home to see you passed out and Ashton sobbing in our bathroom. He was a mess Luke.”

“He hates me.” Luke whispers, his voice is broken. Ashton is what matters to Luke and Ashton hates him.

“He would never hate you. Baby, I’m so sorry that you felt you couldn’t talk to me.” His mum is fed up; she’s fed up of Luke shutting her out.

“Mum, he hates me. I hate me.” Luke’s sick of this. He’s sick of hating himself.

“Luke, he’s in love with you.” She presses a kiss to Luke’s wrist, kissing them better. ”He told me… He was a mess; he just kept saying how much he loved you and asking why you didn’t love him back. I didn’t know what to say to him, he wouldn’t let you go until the ambulance got there.”

Luke feels terrible. He feels horrible for putting Ashton through that, but deep down he knows that Ashton would be better without Luke’s bullshit.

“Are you in love with him, baby? Do you love him back? Is that why you did it?” She begs, she’s half begging him just to let her into his world of hurt.

“Mum, I can’t-” he breaks off.

“You can, you can tell me anything.” She promises, pressing more little kisses to the bandages on his wrist.

“Yes.” It’s quiet and forced out, but he says it. “I’m sorry and I hate myself for it.”

“Honey, there is nothing wrong about that. Ashton is a lovely boy and I know he can make you happy, what more would a mother want?” It feels like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders, his mum doesn’t care, his mum doesn’t hate him. If his mum doesn’t hate him, he hates himself a little bit less.

———-

He’s made to stay in the hospital overnight. It’s a rule with suicide attempts. He’s been lying awake in the same position, on his uncomfortable hospital bed, for the past 4 hours. His mum left when the visiting hours ended and he’s been alone since, apart from the nurse who comes in every 10 minutes to check he isn’t trying to off himself again. He won’t complain because it’s his fault that he’s here in the first place. He’s bored, though. He’s pressing his fingers to the cuts on his wrist because they’re itching. Healing. He likes to think of himself as healing.

When the door opens, he doesn’t look up because he’s expecting it to be the nurse. She’s going to tell him off for itching his wounds.

“You’re alive then.” Ashton looks like death. He’s got massive bags under his eyes, his hair is greasy and Luke thinks he’s only changed his top because it was covered in Luke’s vomit. Ashton stands awkwardly in the doorway, like he’s unsure whether Luke will want him there.

“What are you doing here?” Luke asks, surprised to see him. “I’m not allowed visitors at this time.”

“Well, I told the nurse our sob story and she let me up.” Ashton smiles. It feels like ages since Luke returned one of Ashton’s smiles, so he does.

“Ash,” he sighs. “I’m sorry; you have no idea how sorry I am. I made a quick, stupid, reckless decision and when I saw you crying in my bathroom, I wanted to take it back. You were so mad and I wanted to make you smile again.” Luke doesn’t want to cry anymore, he wants to show Ashton how much he means to him.

“Luke, I’ve said this so many times man, I’ll fucking love you until we’re old and wrinkly. Finding you like that nearly killed me.” Ashton is rubbing his eyes, making them redder.

“I’m not gonna do it again, if I can have you, life will be worth it.” Luke pleads; he wants him and Ashton forever. He wants to never have to go another day without him.

“Are you…” Ashton gapes, shocked. He’s sitting on the edge of Luke’s bed now and their fingers are intertwined.

“Yes, I’m saying that I want to be yours, Ashton. I want you to be mine. I don’t want you getting with other guys, I don’t want to get with girls, I just want us.” He’s spent so long denying himself of everything that he wants that he’s delirious in getting it now.

“Fuck, yes. Yes I want that.” Ashton presses his lips to Luke passionately. “Fuck, Luke. I love you.”

Luke smiles and presses his lips against Ashton’s harder. “I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m sorry I never said it before. I love you.” Saying it once is like opening a flood gate. He can’t stop telling Ashton how much he loves him, how happy he is that Ashton got to him in time.

Ashton’s hands are cupping his face and Luke’s hands are wrapped around Ashton’s neck, pulling him closer. They’ve never kissed with this much meaning before. Luke tries to pull Ashton into his lap so that they can grind together messily on his hospital bed, but Ashton isn’t having it.

“No, you’re in hospital. We’re not doing that.” Ashton laughs, kissing Luke’s neck.

“But I want you so bad, baby, I want you when I’m sober so I can remember ever little detail of your perfect body.” Luke’s breathing is quick and his heart rate is going crazy.

“Fuck,” Ashton sighs and forgets all about his morals. He’ll fuck his boyfriend in a hospital bed if that’s what his boyfriend wants.

They kiss and rub up against each other happily, moaning into each other’s necks and whispering about their future together.


End file.
